How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
