i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
