i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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