The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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