Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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