I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
