I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
