I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Dicks are not precious.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
