Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
