there's paper in my vomit.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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