I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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