she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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