Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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