My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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