Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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