just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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