I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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