My liver just broke up with me...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
