Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
