So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
