After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
