the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
