Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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