You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
