Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Houston, we have a squirter
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
