When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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