I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
