Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
