I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
