If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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