saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
