After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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