i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Everclear isn't food dammit
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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