my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
