Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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