I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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