so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
