maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
