how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
