I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
