ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
