no one should ever give us hovercrafts
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
