my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
