cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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