phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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