OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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