I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
