probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
