I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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