Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im six kinds of drunk right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
