Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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